every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
