I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
