I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
