you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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