Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
