She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
