1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
