Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
