I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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