I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize