how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
