The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
