When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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