There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
