I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's shark week go big or go home
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
