we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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