I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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