I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Randomize
