I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize