beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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