the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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