I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
