walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
