who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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