Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
