How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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