You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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