I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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