The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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