He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
