I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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