I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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