Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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