I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
