I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
