I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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