do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
