Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
