my sisters under your porch take her home
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
