I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm at about main and main street
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
