talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
