Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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