Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
