I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize