Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
