And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
