I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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