I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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