If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
