I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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