Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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