Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
