Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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