I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
