Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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