His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
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