Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
