I cannot find my penis.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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